Villain Era

 

My now 20-year-old was several weeks old when we were out in the rain, awaiting a ride to take us somewhere unknown. I had no idea where we were going because the altercation that led to this was unexpected. My boundaries always made me the villain in every story my family told, and that day was no different. My mother had to uphold an image, and because I said something to her son in front of the company, the image cracked slightly. It was so slight that it led me to put my things outside to move out while my child's aunt (dad's side) held her. While taking my stuff outside, my mother blocked me from getting the remainder of my things and my baby. I repeatedly asked my mother to stop putting her hands on me; by the third shove, we were fighting. She bit a plug out of my chest because of the position she was in, and when I stumbled over an uneven step, I got up with a shoe cleaner can in hand and struck her. The gash across her face got the police called on me and my family, believing she saw the devil come out of me. My mother convinced everyone who would listen that I was evil, and to this day, this is how my family sees me. They only adjust their lens if they need something. 

 

 

I did not know she said this until I was well into my thirties, but learning about it explained a lot. So much made sense because I felt like what I experienced growing up was somewhat worse after this incident. My grandmother threatened to kill me if I came back to her house; an aunt once told me, "You can't be that evil with such a sweet baby. One of my cousins, whom I had to drive to the clinic, said she did not talk to me because they said I was evil. It took me so long to accept that my family did not fuck with me like that and that I would never really belong with them. They hate me, and that is okay. I never did anything to them to bring about what I have experienced at their hands. It is what it is. Maybe if I had been born a boy, my grandmother and her daughters would have treated me better, considering the males in the family could rape their siblings and never wear the scarlet E. It was difficult growing up around male-centered pick-mes who were so envious of my resilience that they lay in wait for my fall, ready to pounce the moment those women thought they could boast, proclaiming I am who they have convinced others I am.

 

Character assassination was my mother's greatest weapon used to destroy me. She could put her hands on me, but that would heal, but to convince people she knew did not like me anyway that I am the spawn of the devil was a no-brainer. Everyone telling me every time I opened my mouth that my attitude was terrible taunted me for years. I went through life suppressing my voice and letting others walk all over me to avoid my actions aligning with her lies. Yes, I can get active, but that was not my day-to-day. If you have ever experienced narcissistic abuse, then you understand my upbringing and how strong my frame of mind is with them. However, I did not want to wear that crown because there was so much more to me. I've accomplished so much, yet only how I respond to disrespect gets highlighted. Sadly, I went through life dealing with this in partners as well, treated like shit until I reacted. That's when I became the problem.

It was too easy for my family to get on my mother's bandwagon when they had a common issue with me. Hell, my aunt realized it, too, and used it to her advantage. She convinced them to force me to help her with her three children because none of the fathers were there. My mother and grandmother called me on three-way, cursing me out for attending a football game, leaving her alone and pregnant with her kids. Abusers do this, which they all are, be it emotional, mental, or physical. Rather than break these cycles, my family chooses to continue them because it benefits them. As I studied our family dynamic, I realized that because they are all manipulators, they feed off each other. Whomever they need, the common enemy becomes their enemy, too, until they get what they need. Everything with them is transactional, and they only care about themselves.

 

You better know who you are when people must team up with others to destroy you!

 

My grandmother, mother, and aunts have never come against any family member like they have done to me. The people we learn to be loyal to and choose over everything left me for dead on multiple accounts. My brother and cousins never miss a beat. Considering everything they have done and said, our experiences will never be the same. Someone shows up for them every time. At 41, with a career, having raised my child, and I do not need them for anything, I am okay with being whatever the fuck they say about me. When you need people, they can control you. I am unsure when I stopped worrying about what anyone thinks of me, but that's where I am. All of my life, my family has tried to break me, but they never could. I am still standing, and I will continue. I will be the person the devil came out of for them.

 

I've set boundaries, and I am prioritizing myself over everyone. No one will come before me. I have had to figure everything out all my life; I was never worth rescuing, nor did I deserve the resources others got. My family chose to help relatives that treated them like shit. Let's see how that works out in the end. I have accepted that the Porter family will never accept me, so I am moving on and living the rest of my life detached. They were the portals that reared me, and those experiences have helped me on my path.  

"The "villain era" is prioritizing oneself over others and embracing less acceptable parts of yourself. It can involve:

• Setting and enforcing boundaries
• Choosing yourself
• Honoring your limitations
• Prioritizing pleasure
• Taking instead of giving
• Walking away from what no longer serves you
• Speaking up for yourself
• Saying no 

 

The term is not about being mean, exacting revenge, or tapping into dark side motives. Instead, it's about being true to yourself, empowering yourself, and defying other people's expectations."

 

 Thanks for reading; your villain era is upon you; be great.

From Pit to Purpose: Recovering After Emotional Setbacks Workbook