The Isolated Trap
I started telling my story of my depressive ways in an anthology,
In Spite of It All. I spoke about my battle with isolating myself during some of
the most challenging times in my life. I
was hurting so bad vocalizing the pain would have sent me into a state of
shock. It wasn’t just the current pain
but the pains that erected from my past in combination. All of it felt familiar;
the faces were slightly different. I had not taken steps to heal, so it felt
like I was a little girl crying for someone to save me with every encounter.
Isolating is a form of self-sabotage, and it kept me circling for years. Every
time I shut myself off, it was harder to break free. I stayed away long enough
to feel a little better; decluttering my space, and journaling helped me exit the
pit, but I did not stay out of it. These modalities help to a degree. Depending on the severity of your pain, you
should seek counseling too. A combination of all three will get you out and help
you maintain your freedom. It is not to say you will not go through anything.
You will, but you won’t respond the same.
There are so many ways we self-sabotage
that we may not even look at it as such. Let’s be clear the list is lengthy. “Self-sabotage
creates mountains of self-defeat, which can be hard to overcome, especially if
we have given all of our power away.” Many of us have entirely given our power
away. We wait on something to magically happen when we possess the tools to
break the chains that keep us bound. We have the ability in our words to speak
to the very mountains we have caused. Yes, you built the mountain, so
understand you can also take it down. Ask yourself this, if I created it, why am
I waiting on God to overthrow it? Ponder
that. Generational traumas may not be a mountain you erected, but understanding
what is going on by tracing the origin will help you heal your family line.
Breaking community does not allow
us to innerstand what we have on the inside of us. Yes, some will stab
you in an already infected wound, but the right people will show up when you
want the help. There is a difference between wanting help and wanting friends
in your sandbox. If someone gets in the sandbox with you, they cannot help you.
I have had dreams about people and the keys they had to free me. We do not like
the support from the people God is putting in our path or are we too caught up
on the vision of how we think deliverance will take place. The fairytales fed
to us as children could be why many are stuck. Listen, if I had waited for things
to play out exactly how I saw it going in my head, I would not be where I am
now. I once believed in fairytales too.
In my situation, I was hurt by so many I could
not trust ANYONE! Whenever I opened up a little, I would either have it thrown
in my face if I wasn’t allowing a person to control me, “mixed with “the Lord
said” as a method of control, or have it tapped danced on by the very ones I trusted
to tell. The assassination of my character has its pain points. Currently, I
have had to leave people who continue to view me through a lens someone else
created. When I started connecting with
people in other states by way of technological advances, I began to feel a
shift inwardly. It will not be who you expect. Those you desire may not have
your best interest at heart. Those we wish may have words to detonate the
explosion, so be careful expecting who you know all the time. People who know
you don’t see you. They know what they’ve
experienced, not who you are at your core.
Isolating myself with my pain was one of the most
problematic cycles I had to break. I can remember, as a little girl, I would
always escape and hide. My bedroom closet as a child was my go-to. I grew up to
do the same as an adult-only my home became my closet. Isolation can cause
depression, poor sleep habits, cognitive decline, poor cardiovascular function,
and impaired immunity—some of which I experienced and spoke of in the book. Isolating
with pain creates a cesspool for depression and suicidal ideations. Something I
started doing as a child, I continued in my adulthood. But it wasn’t the adult
me deciding to do that; it was the wounded inner child who made the decisions.
Adults do not hide; children do. Adults are usually the ones standing firm to
protect, not running hiding from the boogie man (pain). Understand if you have
had any level of hurt, and it is unprocessed; your inner child has driven your
life. Remember, whatever age you were when you experienced the trauma, your
development was arrested at that point. Ever wonder why a woman goes back to a
man who hurt her repeatedly? Because the child does not want to be alone, and
they forgive easily. Remember when you were little, and someone broke you, they
bought you something. A toy or candy, so when the narcissist who knows you have
a wounded inner child picks up on this, he too will buy you things to make it
all better.
I elaborated on The Isolated Trap in my new book Alone In the Dark, My Battle with Depression. The book is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble if you would like to purchase a copy.
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